Official Site of Dr. Velma

CHRISTIAN

DATING-RELATIONSHIP COACH/ MINISTER / SPEAKER /
AWARD-WINNING AUTHOR

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LOOKING FOR
MR. RIGHT?

Coaching single women to prepare for a loving relationship, by sharing steps to achieve their goal of marriage.

LOOKING FOR
DATING TIPS?

Dr. Velma’s book is a “call to action”
addressing her relationship advice. 

It includes:

LOOKING FOR
A SPEAKER?

A Minister and Motivational Speaker, Dr. Velma is available to speak to singles’ groups on a variety of her coaching & book topics.

A Place Called Down:
Why Christians Suffer

In this book, Dr. Velma deviates from relationship-focused topics to bring us into her own testimony of tests, trials and tribulation, to offer insight into the low place. She describes a place which is not fun or easy, but by its very nature can be likened to a refiner’s fire. A fire so hot that it burns away all impurity and that which is not useful to God. Yet, even in the place called down, there are what Dr. Velma calls rainbow moments where God uses the kindness of others to inspire, encourage and uplift you during those down places – simply to remind you of what you already know – He is with you and He has not forgotten you.

IS THIS YOU?

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MR. RIGHT?

NEED DATING TIPS?

God cares about you and knows who you are.

Although it is easy to “swipe right,” going through numbers of guys on a site can be exhausting.  God’s plan is to send you a guy on purpose, and it is intended to lead to marriage.  I call it “Intentional Dating”.  Unless this guy is a perfect husband candidate, don’t waste your time.

  • Intentional Dating, means you are dating with a marriage goal. It is deliberately planned questions to weed out the guys who are not good husband material or are not interested in marriage. These questions will help you avoid wasting time on the wrong guys.
  • Your new plan under Intentional Dating is to date those who have the same goal in mind– marriage. Establishing your goal and his is important.  You are not asking this guy to marry you in that moment, but the two of you are able to begin the intentional dating process with the same goal in mind. 

What is your goal in dating?  You will be surprised how many will admit they are only looking for fun or just looking to hang out or code for using you for the moment or what I call a “Temp.”

Right away, you have your answer and you can end it. 

On the other hand, some guys will say they are “looking to settle down and marry their best friend”.  He has just told you he has the same goal.  He may be husband material, as you begin dating, you will discover if he is “your” husband.

Let’s discuss this more during your free 30-minute coaching session.  You can also click HERE for a copy of the 40-Day Rule

Is your Mr. Perfect  Husband List Perfect?  I hear you, Ally. Let me assure you, God cares about where you are and has sent help.

But what if your Mr. Perfect Husband List is keeping you from the Perfect Mate God has for you?  Your list most likely has husband qualities, attributes you absolutely must have, deal breakers/or the, will not accept category and more.  But, because God knows where you are, He also knows who is the best fit for you.  Let me show you the number one thing a Mr. Perfect Husband List should not include?

CONDITIONS! 

Here are a few:

  • A Pastor
  • Deacon
  • Specific worker in the church
  • Perfect health
  • Tall/Short
  • Physical Build
  • Athletic vs Non-Athletic
  • Skinny/not heavy
  • Type of Hair
  • Color of eyes
  • Type of Career
  • Ethnicity
  • Income level
  • Where he lives or how he lives
  • No children

i.e., someone skinny in the early stages may gain weight over time. I’ve seen men divorce because a condition changed after children.  Or, a successful money-maker’s status can change in an instant, which later causes divorce. Or the physically fit who later suffers a blow to his/her health – I’ve watched wives and husbands walk away because of conditions. 

These are unfair expectations killing your opportunities. Your focus should be placed on his qualities. Someone who does not meet your income level may be working towards advancement.

Let’s discuss this more during your free 30-minute coaching session or click HERE to download The Mr. Perfect Husband List.

Bad experiences can be difficult, and if you can identify having one or more relationships with the wrong kind of guy, there is a pattern.  I’m excited to inform you that recovery is possible, so you can experience the healthy relationship God wants for you.  Let’s start by guiding you through recovery

We will begin looking at – The 3 Things You Are Not Called to Be in A Relationship: “Fixer Upper”, “Animal Rescue”, “A Temp.”

This is the woman who sets out to get married:

  • at any cost
  • with any man
  • ignores his flaws, or the red flags.
  • believes she can help fix him to make him marriage material

 

If the man is not husband ready, he is not for you.  God has not called you to write a “How to fix a man” paper as part of your college thesis or final exam. A man is called to find you and normally that means he is seeking a wife. Don’t’ confuse your role in dating, from the role of a wife.  In some cases, wives may help support their husband in areas where he is short.  This does not mean your job in dating is to fix him; that only says he is not ready. You cannot and will never be able to “fix” him.  Leave that up to God and move on to the next prospect.  

A man rescue is like an animal rescue.

I know friends who love animals, and makes sure the animal is sheltered from further harm and nursed back to health. At times when the animal shows harmful behavioral problems, she explains why the animal developed their issues, making excuses for the bad behavior. She explains why it is not the animal’s fault it has bad behavior, and blames it on the trauma or mistreatment it suffered. She uses the mistreatment of the animal as her reason to love and nurture the animal until it is better. This is not the function of someone dating. Although animal rescue is a loving calling, man rescue is not.

Applying this same loving calling to a man is not appropriate and very dangerous. Women who do this, convince themselves:

  • the problems the man has is not his fault.
  • they can nurture or fix him or help him
  • Make excuses for his problems and bad behaviors
  • it is ok to ignore how she is suffering from his bad behaviors – even abuse

You do not deserve this.  Your value and worth should be treasured. Do not stay in this arrangement, get out and move on.

What is A Temp?

Something temporary, lasts for a limited time, it is momentary, brief, and is not permanent.  This is the opposite to your marriage goal.  You are not a Temp.

A Temp Explained

The title Temp describes someone who is interim, in the meantime. This is an awful place to be, as a person’s interim mate. A temporary stop.

The other definition for a Temp, is the word provisional; which means, you are only important for right now. Do you want to be a provisional mate?

Women who accept a Temp relationship, accepts a man who is not committed to her, it ends when he is finished with your services with or without kids, he made no obligation to stay permanently.  This guy treats you like an employer treats a temp hire, who is hired for a set time with no obligation.  When the employer is done with your services, the arrangement ends.

This is not your guy.  Practice accepting healthy dating – I call intentional dating.  

Sign up for your free 30-minute coaching session.  I also encourage you to click HERE if you would like a PDF of You Are the Prize.

Your concerns are valid ones and I hear you.  God absolutely knows where you are and has sent help.

The answer to Question #1: NO.  It is never too late to get it right.  The answer to Question #2: Yes.  You can get it right by trying a different approach and applying the right tools.

Because you had previous experience, let’s look at unpacking and getting rid of your old story, so you can create a new one. Who are you now?

  • God cannot send you Mr. Right if your heart is already occupied.
  • The first step to unpacking and getting rid of your old story, is to forgive the other person, forgive yourself, and lastly – let it all go. Put the baggage and weight of your past experience behind you.

Build a trusted team of wise supporters. There is a benefit to surrounding yourself with those you can trust to provide you wise counsel; scripture is full of the consequences of operating without it. At one time, this was the role of the father or parents, today it’s a friend, family member, sister in the Lord or a Pastor. 

Whoever you chose, these are the people who will help vet the person when he comes. I call it the parade around principle. Parading him around those you can trust to examine him.

Without a vision, we have no path to follow (Hab. 2:2).  In the old days it was a hope chest, today a vision board, but I suggest a “hope box”.   Get a beautifully decorated box from any store (Target, Michaels, Hobby Lobby, Amazon).  Inside place pictures of the life you envision or what you are believing God to do for you.  Cut photos out of magazines or print photos from the computer. Include photos of wedding ideas, family ideas, home purchase or rent, and more. It’s time you believe again!  (re: Proverbs 3:3-5 “trust him with all your heart…

Mr. Right’s role as King in his home, seeks a Queen. Act like a Queen, live like a Queen. Pamper yourself again: spa, nails, hair.  Even pamper your living space: update your bedroom décor, bathroom, and more.

Return to your first love.

Begin doing things that bring you fulfillment – grow your faith, take a class, have fun, travel, etc.

Sign up for your free 30-minute coaching session or click HERE if you would like a PDF of the 5 guy types to avoid.